Matching and mirroring (cont.)
So far we've covered matching and mirroring the physiology of another individual, but what exactly is the difference between matching and mirroring? It's really very simple.
When you mirror another person you are the mirror image for them. If they were facing you and they raised up their left hand with the palm facing toward you, you would need to face them and lift up your right hand with the palm facing toward them so that you become their mirror image.
In matching the position decribed above, you would raise your left hand when the other person raised their left hand.
When should you match and when should you mirror? The only way to learn this is to practice it for real.
Matching tends to be less obvious and more outside of our conscious awareness than mirroring. Mirroring however tends to lead to deeper levels of unconscious rapport than does matching.
If you're using matching and mirroring in sales it's often a good idea to switch from mirroring to matching just before you close the sale to avoid buyer remorse. If you don't do this the other person may be in such deep unconscious rapport with you that they think your words are their own internal dialogue, their thoughts, and sign the sales agreement without being fully aware of how they really feel about making the purchase.
If you are using rapport for selling purposes it's important to remember that NLP techniques should only be used for win-win outcomes i.e. we only sell people things that they need or want and thus we maintain our credibility and integrity.
Matching tonality
Tonality is something that we match rather than mirror but it is very important that we avoid a copy-cat approach to vocal matching as this will probably ruin your chances of gaining unconscious rapport. For example a man trying to match the pitch of a woman's voice could seem ridiculous, but he could contribute toward the goal of rapport by raising his pitch within his own octave. Here's a few examples of elements of vocal tone that we can match:-
- Pitch - is it high like Mickey Mouse or is it lower?
- Rate - is it fast or slow, steady or choppy?
- Timbre - is the voice clear, soft, croaky, raspy?
- Volume - is it loud and booming or quiet and withdrawn?
For example, if a person is speaking quickly and loudly then you would speak quickly and loudly to match them and establish rapport. On the other hand if the other person is speaking v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and you are talking at high speed you are going to break the rapport and blow them out.
Matching key words
Another useful technique is to match the last three or four words they say, the last three or four words they say, using the same pitch, rate, timbre and volume as them.
Matching another person's key words is also useful in establishing rapport. For example, watching the football with your father-in-law you notice that he shouts Go on! every time his team gets near the goal mouth. You on the other hand aren't really that interested in football so don't have the common frames of reference that would lead to a naturally occuring rapport state. You could however increase the chances of a good rapport by matching Go on! at appropriate times. Add in matching pitch, volume and tempo and you're well on your way to improving your likeability score with the old chap.